Four Ways to Tell You Have a Baby

Sticky Baby Syndrome provides newest evidence

@ Can Stock Photo / Lopolo

Do you have “a baby”? Are you sure?

One tell-tale sign is that there’s a rampant case of unrelenting stickiness surrounding you at all times—also known as Sticky Baby Syndrome. Having a baby is incurable. But there is a solution to make them less gummy (absence of teeth notwithstanding) and your home less tacky (not a comment on your decorating taste—or is it?). Newly introduced to Walmart Canada, Grab Green’s line of sparkling green baby cleaning products has just those solutions. They've even partnered with us to isolate these four symptoms to help you diagnose and treat Sticky Baby Syndrome and make life with “a baby” a little cleaner and easier.

#1: The Textiles

Is there vomit, poop, pee, tears, and drool on every textile? Sure, it’s only natural that what goes in must come out. But, c’mon, really? It’s everywhere—blankets, sheets, clothes, car seats, and even the dog can be a victim of the ubiquitous and undiscriminating baby. Stay calm and launder on! Baby cleaning products don't have to be nasty! Use laundry detergent without sulfates, dyes, and other baddies to safely remove those unsightly stains without leaving nasty chemicals behind in the water or the fabric. Don’t use on the dog.

#2: The Smear

Does what you try to put in the suspected baby—milk, carrots, vegan pâté—seem to end up being mostly smeared on skin and mashed into hair (theirs and yours)? To the bath! You don’t want toxic chemicals getting on the skin and into the same delicate orifices that inspired item #1. Scrub this worry away with a gentle phthalate- and dye-free baby shampoo and body wash. No tub or squeegee nearby? For a quick fix, get the gunk off with some soothing, biodegradable witch hazel baby wipes.

#3: The Stink

Were you expecting a lovely “new baby smell” to waft effortlessly through the house, but instead detect a distinktly less agreeable aroma clinging in the air? Oh, baby. You can tell because when book club is at your place, the members have that barely disguised look of polite distaste as they try to discuss Lady Chatterley’s Lover seriously while furtively shielding their noses with cocktail napkins. Don’t be that book club host (and D.H. Lawrence…really?). Three words: diaper pail spray. One with no alcohol (you can have some though). Or serve something garlicky that night as a diversion.

#4: The Extra Appendage

Is there a small (getting less small) body stuck to you when you’re breastfeeding, walking, talking on the phone, or trying to pretend-die in Savasana? Is it alternately squirming or sleeping? It’s confirmed. You’ve got “a baby”. Sorry—there is no help for that kind of stickiness. But if you administer the previous treatments, we guarantee you’ll better tolerate this particular symptom for months to come.

*Disclaimer: side effects may include but are not limited to excessive cuteness, fresh-smell-induced euphoria, uncontrollable urge to snuggle, and uninhibited playtime. Not effective for exhaustion relief.