As parents, many of us relate to the confusion and inner dissonance that comes with trying to find the most effective ways to bring a child’s wayward behaviour in line with our hopes and expectations. A popular disciplinary practice, well-meant and aimed at replacing spankings, is the technique commonly referred to as “time-out.” Some health and parenting professionals advise adults to isolate misbehaving children for a given period, often in a space away from others. Once the allotted minutes tick by, the adult-imposed banishment is lifted and the child is allowed to rejoin the others. On the surface, it seems to make sense; sometimes, it may even work!
We may innately sense there’s something off about this practice, but desperate parents focused on quick solutions seldom know why that is. Answers come into view when we switch the focus off trying to implement the technique correctly and instead place our attention on what’s going on for the child developmentally and emotionally. Decades of developmental science research help us put words to the uneasiness some feel when implementing the mistakenly revered time-out.
WORK’N FOR LOVE
First, we need to understand and respect that humans are driven by emotion. We’re all inherently wired for connection, and when we don’t get the physical, emotional, or psychological closeness we need, we can’t help but feel unsafe. When we feel insecure, we instinctively adapt our behaviour to draw those we love into closer connection with us. In a nutshell, we learn to work for love. As young children, we had no choice but to depend on our parents to take care of us, so if it felt necessary, we would change our behaviour in an attempt to restore or preserve our connection with them. As renowned Canadian physician, Dr. Gabor Maté, so poignantly states, “We unconsciously trade authenticity for attachment.” Our children instinctively do the same thing if they feel their belonging and security are contingent on being in our good graces.
Second, separation-based techniques like time-out, use what children care most about, against them. Knowing that a child’s greatest need is to be physically, emotionally, and psychologically close to their primary caregivers, it makes sense that separating them from their parents may cause some children to change their behaviour—at least some of the time. Each child’s reaction is predominantly influenced by their temperament, emotional sensitivity, and depth of attachment to their caregiver.
Most children comply simply because they’re immature and they need to be in our presence to feel secure. Others will cooperate because they want to please us, but in our haste to send them into a time-out, we don’t always realise all they needed was a little more understanding, connection, and redirection. Some resist with such intensity that we label them as strong-willed, and despite our valiant efforts, they refuse to be manipulated into compliance. These are the children, I believe, who are here to wake us up.
Yes, time-outs can effectively manipulate the behaviour of some children. Regrettably, young children who resist and push back against time-outs are the least likely to benefit from the experience but the most likely to be the recipients of this approach. By taking away the physical closeness they require, we inadvertently push them away emotionally in the moments they’re struggling and most need to feel a secure heart connection.
Third, when we repeatedly resort to sending children away from us, we risk overworking their emotional systems and knocking out their desire to connect with us. When time-outs no longer seem to “work,” it’s likely the child’s feelings have been shut down because it hurts too much to tolerate being separated from those they love. This is no accident; this is the brain’s attempt to protect the child from feeling the unbearable intensity of physical and emotional separation.
The notion of sending a child into what they experience as physical and emotional solitary confinement is not only disturbing but also illogical. Young children don’t go off and think about the error of their ways, nor do they consider what they could do differently next time. Not because they intentionally refuse to, but because their immature brains are non-integrated and they are not yet capable of reflecting on their undesirable behaviour, least of all when they’re flooded by feelings of alarm because they’ve been sent away.
Lastly, knowing that a child’s greatest need is to be seen, heard, and valued by us, we can no longer—in good conscience—remove them from our presence under the guise of teaching them how to behave appropriately. Immature beings cannot flourish in isolation, and they can’t yet process their big emotions without our loving presence. They’re counting on us to be there for them, especially in the moments when we’re most tempted to send them away.
TIPS FOR REPLACING TIME OUTS WITH CONNECTION
- When your child misbehaves or acts out inappropriately, remember they are most in need of guidance and not separation.
- Children need supervision; we need to compensate for their immaturity.
- Maintain your calm as best as you can because your frustration escalates the situation.
- Name the problem behaviour and do your best to redirect the child.
- Attempt to change the situation, not coercively control the child.
- If emotions are running high, don’t try and teach a lesson in the moment.
- At a later date, when heart connection has been restored, briefly talk about alternative ways to behave in future situations.
- Keep your focus on the long-term goal of building relationships with your children.
Remember, sending children away from you may change their behaviour, but it also conveys the underlying message that to be seen and valued by you, they must conform to your expectations.
Our ability to connect and advise them as they grow into their teen and adult years requires us to share a deep relationship—and to cultivate that, we need to nurture the connection we have with them when they are younger. Time-outs inadvertently work against that.
