Some common parenting myths seem to pop up as questions or advice in the classes I’ve taught over the last 25 years. I am constantly amazed at how widespread they are across North America and Europe. No research supports these myths, but they tend to persist as advice gets passed down from generation to generation. After all, unless parents seek out current evidence-backed advice to inform their intentional parenting practices, they tend to fall back on practices from how they were raised—their parents copied their grandparents and so on; the bad practices keep on being used. Here are eight of the most common myths.
1. BAD HABITS LAST A LIFETIME
I'm sure you’ve heard at least one well-meaning relative or friend say, "You don't want to bring your children into bed with you, because then they will never leave." If that were the case, we would never start our babies off in diapers for fear they will get too cozy in them and never learn to use the toilet. Children can learn new habits when they need to in about three days. So, do what works now without worrying about the long term. When the time comes to make changes—when the situation no longer works—then make the change.
2. CHILDREN SHOULD LISTEN TO ADULTS
Young toddlers and preschoolers are egocentric, meaning their needs matter first. This is appropriate neurotypical development. As children reach the age of six to seven years, they become aware and begin to care about others’ needs as well as their own. They will have better executive functions by the age of five, which is why they don’t start mandatory school until then.
Executive Functions
- Self-control
- Listening
- Paying attention
- Planning
Children aged 7–12, don't yet exhibit maximum brain executive function; however, this further develops through puberty.
Even though young children know that "no" is a sharp word that means something scary, they still lack the self-control to listen and restrain their wants.
3. YOU MUST CORRECT THINGS IN THE MOMENT
Again, no research supports this. Yes, children tend to forget when events occur, but they begin to remember things from earlier in the day starting at about the age of two. If you are angry, take a 10-minute breather to calm down, then come back to address the situation—calmly and wisely. Or, address it at bedtime when everyone is feeling good and learning may be more easily retained. Lots of repetition will help children remember things as well.
4. CHILDREN REMEMBER THINGS FOREVER
For all the travelling we did carting five children across the globe, they remember very little before the age of 12. They don’t remember childhood music lessons, soccer teams, birthday parties, friends, relatives, or holiday gifts.
What is remembered are the people or experiences that are out of the ordinary. My kids remembered the three-wheeled cars in England, the blue sand crabs in Australia, and the sinking boats in the bathtub as a science experiment. The general experiences were worth having because they formed neuron connections, but the memories are not in their short- or long-term memories; that said, they do remember most of their travels and friends during their teenage years.
5. TODDLERS NEED HARSH DISCIPLINE
Do you remember hearing, “Nip bad behaviour in the bud, or their obnoxious behaviour will snowball and they will turn into raging, rebellious, uncontrollable teenagers?”
Children develop and grow their brains in stages. A child at age 13 is different than age three. He has a more developed brain to understand his needs and adjust his behaviour accordingly. He has more self-control to hold off on hitting and biting and instead use his words when he is angry or frustrated.
Don't project ahead. You have many school-age years to teach and explain, and it will stick. Parents unfortunately try to teach the most important lessons at a time when young children's brains are least equipped to understand them. That doesn't mean you just let little ones express their bad or unsocial behaviour. For example, when your child hits a playmate, you can address the behaviour by teaching statements over and over again. "No, we don't hit our friends. Here, stomp your feet when you are mad." Tell the child what not to do but also what to do instead. Repeat the statement each time it occurs. By age 12, most children use their words instead of their hands, simply because of brain development and self-control. No harsh punitive discipline is required.
6. THERE NEED TO BE CONSEQUENCES
Also not grounded in research is the belief “If I don't enforce consequences on my child, how will she learn how the world works? She needs to be punished to learn.”
All the other "parents" in your child's world, including teachers, friends' parents, coaches, etc., will be happy to issue consequences to your child, along with time-outs, the taking away of privileges, and a host of other punishments. Let them. They are not building a lifelong relationship with your child.
You, on the other hand, have a vested interest in teaching your child a real-life, handy skill called problem-solving. It takes time but pays off in increased communication, mutual respect, and love. When you problem-solve with your child, aiming for a win-win solution for everyone, you are teaching her an invaluable employment and relationship skill. No research supports that punishment enhances parent-child respect, communication, and close relationships; however, plenty of studies show how detrimental it is to lifelong relationship building.
7. CHILDREN WANT LIMITS TO FEEL SECURE
No, they don't. Children want their way just like adults do. We hate it when we want something and someone says "no" to us, and children feel the same way. What makes children and adults feel secure is maintaining their autonomy by making decisions, while being informed of expectations. For example, if we are attending a social event, we don't want our host to demand that we wear a certain item, but we do want to know what is expected so we can make an appropriate decision. Children also want information and the ability to choose. That’s why offering children choices, along with a little background information, helps them with decision-making and gives them empowerment and security.
8. TEENS DON'T WANT TO HANG AROUND WITH THEIR PARENTS
Most studies conclude that teens who rebel, act out, and engage in delinquent behaviour don’t have warm, caring parents. Teens want privacy, but they also want involved parents who respect them, care about where they are, worry about them, and help them navigate the world. Most of all, teens want active listeners. Advice can be offered if requested. Teens don't want or need parents that punish, belittle, demand, or dismiss them. Be close to your children, but let them set the pace for contact.
If you are their trusted coach, non-judgmental information source, and problem-solving mentor, as well as a fun person they can beat at video games, they’ll enjoy spending time with you. You will also be a big influence in their lives.
