Having a conversation about tiredness with a person who doesn’t have children can feel like speaking to someone from another planet. Granted, everyone has their measure of fatigue relative to their own experience, but parents—particularly those of young children—know a special kind of fatigue.
THE BATTLE OF WILLS
If you can relate to the depth of weariness I’m referring to, there’s a good chance you’ve already scoured the internet for expert tips on creating a peaceful transition into sleep for your kiddos. You’ve probably done your best to implement these strategies, and yet, despite your valiant efforts, you may be doubting yourself and wondering if you’ll ever claim victory over the power struggles that break out in your home.
Take comfort in knowing you haven’t lost, because this isn’t a war. When it comes to the battle of wills, there are no opponents, only tired parents and children trying to meet their needs. Once we understand more about what’s going on in both camps, we can (albeit through tired eyes) look at the situation from a different angle.
Instead of reiterating many of the practical bedtime suggestions you’ve already put to the test, I’ll just remind you to use what you already have in your arsenal but amid the bedtime skirmish may have forgotten.
LOVING HEART & PURE INTENTIONS
At first glance, the idea of using your innately gentle attributes may sound feeble and underpowered for combatting the unruly forays that happen during the day and at bedtime, but please bear with me.
Carl Jung, the renowned Swiss psychiatrist, famously said, “What you resist persists.” When it comes to addressing all struggles, especially those around sleep, we may be unconsciously fuelling the feud by provoking our children’s resistance while being blindly trapped in our own. Tuning into your heart and feeling your love for your children, while simultaneously remembering your pure intention to raise them without resorting to harshness, could be exactly what’s needed to snap you back into the present moment.
Here are a few natural and effective things you can do to turn the tide to make future bedtimes a more peaceful send-off:
Check Your Energy
You may be unknowingly approaching the rituals of bedtime with a knot in your stomach; experience has taught us that we’re about to be held captive by a small and powerful lieutenant who calls the shots. For me, things only started to get better once I became aware of my angst and understood more about why going to sleep and sleeping alone is so difficult for many children—and more importantly, how my unconscious fear and resistance to their resistance was making the situation worse.
Consider Their Perspective
From a child’s point of view, bedtime is when the people they love most leave them to go off and do more exciting things. Even though we might not use these specific words, and the “exciting” thing we have to do is load the dishwasher, they pick up on our energy, which conveys our hurry to move the bedtime routine along. Children lock in on our intent to leave them like a shark senses blood in the water. They become preoccupied with doing whatever it takes to keep us with them just a bit longer; they are emotionally agitated by the anticipation of the impending separation.
Few situations draw out a lengthy list of last requests quite like a child who has been told that it’s time to go to bed. Suddenly, they are parched and in critical need of a drink of water; they are famished and will surely die if they have to wait until the morning to have a snack; the urge to use the washroom escalates, and their creatively desperate requests rapidly multiply.
Relax Your Agenda
Whenever we fixate on trying to get our children to go to sleep, we inadvertently make things more difficult on ourselves—and on them. Yes, adult persistence may eventually appear to work, but when a child collapses out of sheer emotional exhaustion, few parents are left feeling satisfied. Relieved maybe, but seldom content with their methods.
See What Truly Is
I believe that intuitively we all know what drives a child who persistently resists going to sleep, but we’re often so distracted by their constant requests and overt resistance that we misread what is unfolding before us. We label their struggle as a bedtime behaviour problem that needs fixing rather than seeing what’s truly going on. Children are innately moved to do whatever it takes to prolong their time of togetherness with us. If they are feeling overwhelmed, upset, anxious, lonely, or simply just love us and want to be with us, their resistance to bedtime behaviour may escalate. Looking through this lens, we begin to see that what is most needed from us is not firmer discipline, nor a different sleep training technique, but instead, more opportunities for physical togetherness and deeper connection during the daytime.
Shift the Focus
We need to give more consideration to how children are feeling and focus less on what they are doing to delay the inevitable. When we generously provide them with more contact and closeness and stop drawing their attention to how many stories, minutes, or hugs they have left with us before we leave them, we’re better able to fill them up with our loving presence rather than reminding them of our looming departure. If we change what we’re paying attention to, we subtly shift the energy we bring to the bedtime experience by finding intuitive ways to settle our children and lead them to sleep naturally.
At the end of the day, there is no one prescriptive method to approach bedtime. Our path is as unique as the relationship we share with each of our precious children. When we remember to tap into our caring hearts, and only draw from resources that resonate, we discover that bedtime doesn’t have to be a battleground.
