Digital devices are here to stay, but as we virtually “connect,” we must not replace our heart connections with family or friends.
David Suzuki, a world-renowned Canadian environmentalist states that when humans are introduced to new tools, it takes societies between 100 and 200 years to form new rituals and customs around using them. By this rationale, we’re still in the early days of figuring out what limits and restrictions must be placed on the use of digital devices if they are to help, rather than hinder, healthy emotional development and preserve human relationships. Never before have we had to raise children in such a socially connected world while also trying to cultivate deeper connections with them.
Many parents are concerned about their children growing up in the digital era, and rightfully so. I’m frequently asked for my opinion on what age is best to introduce digital devices and for the rules around putting them into the hands of children. It often surprises people to hear I don’t object to children having digital devices. I am, however, concerned that without our awareness, they could inhibit our ability to provide the conducive conditions necessary for developing nourishing emotional connections.
Since digital devices have become commonplace, our complex emotional systems sense something new and potentially ominous seeping into our modern lives. Although we may lack the precise wording to describe what’s happening beneath our conscious awareness, we can certainly feel it. Intuitively we know our digital devices have an addictive grip on us, and they’re threatening our intimate relationships. Smartphones are a double-edged sword. They’re useful and they make life easier by keeping us in close contact when physically apart; yet, when we’re using them, they have the potential to spark feelings of emotional disconnection with the very people in our presence.
Instead of searching for specific rules and the “right” answers for using digital devices, we can change the question and ask ourselves, “How can I preserve my heart connection with my child (and others) in the digital world?” When we shift our focus, we find our own practical solutions because we take notice then reclaim the age-old ordinary opportunities we’ve always had to foster deeper connections.
1. Physical Presence
Parents sometimes think that being physically present with their children is enough—but it’s not. When we’re on our phones, we risk getting sucked into the internet vortex. We seem to leave our bodies, and our attachment energy gets funneled away from those around us and into our phones. While children most certainly rely on our physical presence to feel secure, they’re also counting on us to be attentive and responsive. They may experience our lack of engagement as disinterest and disconnection, and that fuels attachment frustration. Many of the behavioural battles we endure daily would disappear if we were to notice and rectify how often we’re checking out instead of checking in.
2. Mealtimes
Practicing the art of conversation at the table is one of the most natural and powerful ways to preserve and promote heart connections with those we love. As I observe in restaurants, I get the sense that children today are not getting the same invitations to interact with those they love nearly as often as in generations gone by. It’s not that we love them any less, it’s that we’ve found a mobile and convenient way to entertain them. Plopping an iPad onto the dinner table might make mealtimes more peaceful, but it comes at the expense of the age-old ritual of bringing family and friends back into connection with one another after times of being apart.
3. Imaginative Play
Having screen-free time every day is not only necessary but also vital for healthy emotional development—theirs and ours. As Dr. Gordon Neufeld says, “Play is nature’s therapy.” Having the gift of playtime off-screen allows busy humans to naturally work through some of the things that may be bothering them. Many imaginative inventions, make-believe worlds, and creative works of art have emerged from children who had the opportunity to find their way out of having nothing to do. As long as children feel content in the presence of attentive parents and are free of the temptation to turn on their devices, they’ll be naturally moved to connect with their inner selves and truly play.
4. “Old-Fashioned” Games
Before digital devices existed, children were more likely to engage in board games, card games, or backyard sports-type games just for fun. Not only did these situations give them fundamental practice navigating the social terrain, but they also set them up to experience the vulnerability of losing a game. Without the allure of a reset button that digital devices offer, children are more likely to access their uncomfortable feelings of frustration, sadness, loss, and disappointment. These little “practice losses” prime the way forward and help prepare them for the bigger upsets real life will inevitably deal them. There’s a lot of growth to be found in losing a game and shedding tears in the comforting arms of a loved one.
5. Conscious Discipline
As adults, we know firsthand how much we value and appreciate our phones. The same is true for our children and their digital devices. It’s understandable, then, that when parents are feeling powerless to guide and direct children, the temptation to threaten to withhold their devices looms large. We would do well to remember that threatening to confiscate what children care about to exert control over them gives them the message that we lack the authority to lead them and take care of them. Without realising it, we may be undermining our natural power to parent them.
Parents are the gateway between digital devices and children. That’s a scary thought, but at the same time, it’s an empowering realisation. How we use our devices is as important, if not more so, than the rules we place on children using theirs. Merely recognising that technology is not a substitute for deep heart connection is the start of us changing our ways. By first turning our awareness inwards and then focusing outwards by giving our attention to those in our present company, we’re naturally positioned to give and get what we’re all longing for: a more meaningful and personal connection.
