Helping Your Child Adjust to a New Baby

You’ve brought your lovely new baby daughter home from the hospital, and you eagerly show her to your three-year-old son, who pats the baby lovingly. Five minutes pass, and your son says, “Mommy, give the baby back to the hospital and come play with me!”

Whether the new baby is your second or ninth child, the whole family will have to go through an adjustment period as you settle into routines and a new family reality.

Sibling relations are the normal jostling for parents' love and attention that exists in every brother and sister relationship. Most children don’t want to share their parents, and adding a new member to the family just divides the parent’s time further. The first three months’ adjustment phase will be the hardest, but as everyone gets used to their new roles, the transition will eventually become smoother. 

The age of the older sibling will also have a bearing on how well relations go. When the older sibling is under the age of three, in a few months, they will not remember a time when they were the only child. In the meantime, however, the lack of language skills to articulate their feelings will make it hard to express themselves to parents, so their behaviour may be aggressive. Parents can expect more sleepless nights, tantrums, and uncooperative behaviour from a toddler who feels displaced. A child that is older than five will have more language skills to talk about feelings of unhappiness, and if the parent simply acknowledges their unhappiness and frustration, it will go a long way in smoothing the way for closer relations. 

Thankfully, there are many things parents can do to ease the stress of learning to live with a new sibling and to encourage kind behaviour towards each other.

TIPS TO MAKE TRANSITION EASIER

Before the New Baby Arrives

• Encourage your child to share your pregnancy with you by talking to the baby, visiting the doctor, and feeling the baby move. Take your child to the ultrasound visit if they are older than five.
• Read age-appropriate books or watch videos with your child about pregnancy, giving birth, and having a new baby in the family.
• Arrange a caregiver, and explain to your child who will care for them while you are giving birth. Be sure they meet before the big day.
• Make or buy a “welcome” present for your child to give to the new baby.
• If you plan to breastfeed, visit a friend with a new baby that does too. Have your child watch so they are not shocked the first time they see you breastfeed.
• Avoid fostering unrealistic expectations about a new playmate. The baby won’t be a playmate until at least a year old.
• Put a picture of yourself in the child’s room or use a digital photo frame with photos of you and your partner.
• Speak of the baby as “ours,” rather than mine.
• Involve your child in choices, such as baby clothes and decorating.
• Show pictures and videos of the older sibling as a baby.
• Make any changes in your routine well before the baby arrives: bedtime, clothes, and toys, and have the other partner take over some duties such as bathtime and bedtime routines.

During the Hospital Meeting

• Give your child a gift from the new baby.

• Let the first visit at the hospital be “family” only.
• Have a camera/phone ready for the child to take pictures.
• Have a framed picture of your child on the bedside table so he or she can feel special and remembered.
• Greet your child without the baby in your arms. Remember your child is anxious to see you, not the baby.
• Put your child’s finger in the baby’s palm. The new baby’s grasp reflex will hold onto the older child’s finger.
• Let your child hold the baby while sitting in your lap. Supervise!
• Let your child announce the news to family and visitors.

At Home with Baby

• Let your child come with your partner to pick you and the baby up from the hospital/birthing centre.

• Discourage visitors for the first few days, if possible.
• Allow your child to take part in the baby’s care, according to their capabilities, and desire.
• Have a supply of wrapped gifts to give to your child when friends bring baby gifts. Most friends will bring a gift to the older child but some might not.
• Talk about your child’s accomplishments to visiting relatives. 
• Don’t force positive interaction. Your child may feel indifferent or negative towards the baby. Put limits on behaviour, but accept all verbally expressed feelings.
• Encourage your children to phone relatives and share the news first.
• You and your partner should spend time alone with each sibling, even if it’s only 15 minutes a day.
• It’s tempting to spend all the time holding the baby, but make the effort to put the baby down or hand off to the other parent and spend time with the older child.
• Learn ways to include the older child when caring and attending to the baby.
• Put a stool next to the change table so the older sibling can see.
• Avoid sending the older child away to relatives and friends. They need to feel included and valued, not shoved off.
• Don’t leave the baby alone with the older child until the older child is at least eight years old. Avoid leaving baby carriers on couches and tables.
• The more positive interaction the two siblings have, the sooner a bond will develop and grow. Ask yourself how you can foster attachment and bonding between the siblings when they are fighting and you need to step in and discipline.
• Give extra hugs, cuddles, smiles, patience, and understanding.
• Give your older child new privileges: later bedtime, pouring juice, things they like to do, helping with cooking/baking.
• If you are stressed, get support—if you’re able to—or take a short break, rather than take it out on the children.
• Don’t expect “older child” behaviour from your child, such as waiting, crossing roads, etc., if they aren’t ready.
• Avoid getting a new pet. You have your hands full enough!
• “Tell” the baby the rules about hitting. It takes the attention off the child. Say, “We don’t hit. Right, baby?”
• Keep on going to the older child’s activities as much as possible.
• Have a special basket of books, games, or toys handy by your sitting area, to play with your child while nursing/feeding the baby. Babies eat many times a day and you will be sitting down a lot.
• Don’t blame the lack of time on the baby.
• Emphasise positives such as “Baby can’t have chocolate milk; only big children get chocolate milk!” Point out that the older child can go to the park and stay up later.
• Do your fussing, cooing, and awing over the new baby in private. Even if it’s your fourth or fifth child, you will still do it!
• Interpret the baby’s signals for your older child. “Look Ethan, baby is smiling at you! I bet he can’t wait until you can play blocks with him.”
• If the baby stops crying when the older child walks in the room, point out that the baby must have been very happy to see him.
• Highlight the positives of the new family size: “Look, we fill the van now!” “Look, we have more people at our table.” “Look, everyone gets more holiday and birthday presents!”

Encourage Communication

• Ask your child what they like/don’t like about the new baby. Accept all responses. Don’t answer with, “Yes, but . . .”
• Acknowledge the challenges, “We sure spend a lot of time feeding the baby, right?”
• Be patient and reassure your child you will always love him if he shows signs of jealousy, regression, or aggression.
• Acknowledge your child’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with him to accept and validate his feelings. To help him express them, ask, “How do you feel about the baby?” Have him draw a picture or give him a doll or puppet and ask him to show you how he feels. Your child will have mixed feelings, such as excitement, envy, anger, hope, indifference, or loss, especially of the “old” family and routines. Show him that all feelings are acceptable, although there are limits on behaviours. The more your child can express his feelings directly to you, the less chance he will act out negatively to you or the baby.

The sibling relationship is the longest one we often have; it’s longer than a partner-partner or a parent-child relationship. Pretty soon your child and the new baby will be playing together as friends and you will be glad that you gave your child the best gift ever—a sibling!